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LunaSea Witch

Mommy Issues: Part 1

Hi my Witchlings,

I know there’s still a swirling storm of Covid-19, climate change, racism, famine, destruction of the environment, and violence still going on all around us but I just needed a break. Mentally I can only handle the paradox of being a strong, independent woman trying to be happy in my own little bubble while all this shit is going on around me for short periods of time. It’s exhausting so I wanted to talk about something that I’ve been working on personally. In a weird way, I feel like if I can heal something inside myself, then maybe I can heal something outside of me and again take up the fight against all the wrongs in this world. As Above, So Below, right?

Before I dive right in, I’m going to admit that this is a very personal topic for me and one that triggers a lot of intense emotions. Most are negative but some are positive, acknowledging how far on my journey I’ve come. As personal as this is for me, I feel like this is actually a pretty common issue among most women and even men but it’s something that is still taboo in our society. It’s like admitting that the patriarchy exists; most people will deny it vehemently or shrug it off saying the damn feminists are at it again. This issue is very real and I don’t think we as a society can fully progress until it’s even acknowledged. So, what is this issue that is so blasphemous we’re not allowed to talk about it?

It’s called the Mother Wound, a psychological wound or burden that is passed down through women by their mothers generation after generation. It’s every denied dream, pain, trauma, unhealthy coping mechanism, societal expectation, and unvoiced thought that is passed down by our mothers. Our patriarchal society has made it quite clear what it thinks of women and because of this, generations of women who have felt unheard, unseen, forgotten, or at worst beaten down or killed, have passed all of these traumas down the line. It’s a vicious cycle. How many times have we all said that we never want to turn into our mothers and ironically end up either becoming just like her or overcompensating so much that we’re miserable in who we forced ourselves to become? I’ve seen it play out before me, in relationships all around me and even in my own. The worst thing about it is that this generational pain is usually so ingrained into our mothers’ subconscious that they pass it on unknowingly. I sincerely doubt most women who have had abusive, neglectful, or emotionally distant mothers want to pass that pain onto their kids but given how much shit modern mothers have to go through, it’s no wonder it happens. Between juggling jobs, furthering their careers or education, husbands who, let’s face it, statistically still don’t handle their share of the burdens of child raising, demands from family, friends, and society, as well as trying to be perfect at all times, it’s a perfect recipe for dysfunction and childhood traumas. With all of these pressures on women, how is any functioning human supposed to stay on top of all of these demands while maintaining their own physical/mental health as well as their kids’? The simple answer is they don’t, and that is when the Mother Wound legacy is passed down.

I’m hesitant to even write this, I feel like I’m betraying my family and my mom’s memory. But this is my truth and if she were alive today, I’d want her to know so I could heal and move on. My own relationship with my mother was… complicated. She died 13 years ago from ovarian cancer and it wasn’t until the past couple of years that I was ready to admit how messed up our relationship really was. A weird phenomenon happened when she died, it was like all the bad memories and childhood issues just got swept under the rug and I only wanted to remember the good times. I even had a shrine in her memory. This went on for years but once I became acquainted with Shadow Work and introspection, I began to realize this was just my own coping mechanism. The sad truth was, up until I was a teenager, I was terrified of her.

There was never physical abuse in my house growing up but there was plenty of verbal and emotional. My oldest brother used to get away with murder and my other brother developed his own Mother Wound that still definitely needs healing. As for me, I felt like I was the only one besides my dad who always wound up receiving mom’s wrath. I was always told growing up how much my mom had wanted a little girly girl, with all the pink frills and dancing lessons but instead she ended up with me, a tomboy, through and through who was willful and stubborn. So already I felt like a disappointment. To make matters worse, she was hard on me; I had to get the best grades, say the right thing in public situations, and try to not be myself whenever possible. We fought constantly and were always bumping heads. She was always stressed with work or the family and you never knew if she was going to hug you and tell you she loved you or yell at you for doing chores the wrong way. I developed low self-esteem, I was moody and emotionally stressed, I was always on edge because I never knew if she was in a good mood or not, and I became a habitual liar. I wasn’t lying because I was a bad kid (I sure as hell wasn’t a saint but compared to my brothers I was) I did it because I never knew what the “right” answer was. I remember the day I found out I needed glasses. I was 8 years old and my grades had started to slip, which of course was unacceptable, and after being tortured during a parent-teacher conference (I went to a private Catholic school…. more on that in the next post), the adults finally realized I couldn’t read the chalkboard and was lying in class and making up answers. So my dad took me to the doctor and lo’ and behold, I needed glasses as my vision was quite terrible. I remember getting to the elevator and breaking down crying. My poor dad didn’t understand why and when he asked me what was wrong, I asked him if he thought mom was going to be mad at me, like I had done something bad. I was scared she going to yell at me and be disappointed in me. I can still remember the pain on his face as he tried to console me.

It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that my dad finally admitted to me that my mom had had a history of serious depression. Looking back, her highs were really high and her lows were really low. I think she might have had bipolar disorder or at least she was manic depressive. She was never diagnosed and never on any medication. After learning this, it was easy as an adult to understand why my mom was the way she was. Why she was so obsessed with perfectionism and why she lashed out when she was stressed. She had a very unhealthy relationship with her own mom and when she had gotten pregnant with my oldest brother out of wedlock, that relationship became even more strangled and would remain at best cordial throughout my mom’s life. So my parents had gotten married young and struggled through like most people’s parents did back in the day. They were broke and thrust into a life they weren’t prepared for. Fast forward and they had two more kids (I also was the birth-control-is-only-99%-effective-baby, so that didn’t help). Again, my parents struggled as my dad trained for his dream job and my mom worked in a banking job she hated so they could send us to a school they couldn’t afford. Eventually, things worked out. We got a nice new house in the good part of town, my brothers were starting high school and my mom made the decision to go back to school to get her master’s to become a social worker. As fate would have it, she would only get to to follow that dream for a couple of years before being forced to quit once the cancer became too unbearable.

Again, as an adult having gone through life I totally understand why my mom was so stressed out. Having an undiagnosed mental illness, 3 kids, a husband whose work schedule often meant the night shift, working full time, and trying to maintain her own childhood issues of needing to be perfect in all areas, it makes total sense. But it doesn’t erase my childhood. l developed very unhealthy coping mechanisms that still affect me today. I used to have problems with control and my own perfectionism as well as holding impossibly high standards for everyone around me. I became so self-reliant that I still hate to ask anyone for help. I had serious self-esteem issues and still struggle with feeling worthy and accepted. I used to put everyone else’s needs and emotions before my own which in turn would only stress me out more. I had problems with setting boundaries and still get anxiety whenever I have to tell someone “no”. I used to be so disconnected from my emotions that I refused to cry as I thought it was a sign of weakness. I have “smothering” tendencies where I feel I have to mother everyone around me and my friends even make jokes about it and call me Mama. While it’s not wrong to care about those around you, I realize the reason I “smother” is because I lacked the mothering I desperately needed. I honestly haven’t had a healthy relationship with any other woman and I wish had a sisterhood of my own.

I’m not telling you any of this to gain sympathy points or to play the victim card. I’m telling you this so that this issue becomes recognized and talked about. Everyone, even those of you who had great moms who were always there for you, develops some form of childhood trauma. Whether it’s as mild as one instance of scolding or as horrific as years of physical/mental/emotional abuse, we all internalize things as kids that shape us as adults. Most of the time, our mothers aren’t even aware how life-changing these events are. Which is why I’m choosing to tell you. I’m not ashamed of my childhood. There are things I regret or wish I had handled differently but I’m not ashamed of what I went through. If I can’t even acknowledge my own Mother Wound then how can I ever hope to heal it? I hope that one day I will be able to fully forgive my mom and give myself the closure to my past that I need. Though I still struggle with my own issues, they no longer have the control over me they once did. I’ve become strong enough to face them and even stronger to begin healing them. I still have a lot to learn but I’m glad I’m on this path.

As always, stay safe and healthy everyone. Until next time.

Shadows and Light ❤

PS

If you noticed I changed my name to “LunaSea”, I did it because it felt right. It’s a little pun on the word “lunacy” which has it roots meaning moonstruck. I am a creature of the night and as such I’ve always held a special place in my heart for the moon and Her phases. And if “lunacy” doesn’t accurately describe this world of ours right now, then I don’t know what does.

 

 

The Storm is Here…

 

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this image is my own

 

Hello My Witchlings,

Once again, I hope you are all safe and healthy, especially if you’re out during curfew and/or protests. I know this is supposed to a witchy blog sharing glimpses of my practice and spirituality, but I can’t sit back and pretend like we’re not in the middle of a life-changing storm. Our environment directly influences our practices and witchcraft which in turn influences all other areas of life. It’s a balance and when one of the scales is tipped it affects everything else. And by gods, everything is off-balance right now. I’m warning you now, this will be a political post about Black Lives Matter and the reality of racism in our country. President tRump is dividing this country more than ever and if you still follow him blindly and think he is the leader we need, then this post isn’t for you. I’m not going to be polite anymore and say that everyone is entitled to their own opinions because while that may be true, I’m entitled to believe that anyone who chooses not to see how disgusting, sexist, and racist our wannabe tyrant of a president is does not deserve my attention. Moving on…

 

As the world was dealing with the global pandemic of Covid-19, with millions of cases and hundreds of thousands of deaths as well as a crashing economy, there was one death that brought the storm down on us all. This storm didn’t begin back in 2016 when tRump became president. It’s been forming for centuries, ever since the first black slave was ripped from their home to be dragged here to what would become the supposed greatest country in the world. The clouds swirled above us during the Civil War, when those who wanted to free slaves fought those who believed they weren’t even humans. They swirled during the time of Jim Crow, during lynchings, and blackface. I could name many, many more instances of the systemic racism in this country’s past and present but to save myself some time, I won’t. White people in this country have pretended these storm clouds didn’t exist, that they were “colorblind” or that “separate but equal” was a relic of the past. With yet the latest death of an unarmed black man, George Floyd, was the storm finally acknowledged.

I’m going to get real personal now and be completely honest; I was one of those white people. Yes, I know I’m half-Mexican, however I’m light-skinned with a white first and last name so I never really experienced any racism growing up. Maybe some minor instances, but nothing that truly stands out to me, even now. I’ve always considered myself to be liberal and progressive. I preached tolerance of all religions, I spoke out against homophobia and strongly support the gay community, and I have been a feminist since I can remember. But when it came to racism, I only spoke out on the obvious instances, like if someone white called a black person the n-word while talking about them or if a black person on the news was killed or shot unjustifiably by police. Again, I considered myself to be progressive and as far from a racist as any good person was. I had black friends and family…. you know, the whole “I can’t be racist because I have a black friend!” spiel. But I wasn’t being honest with myself. I remember a conversation I had with an educated white friend about 6 or 7 years ago about the systemic poverty and limited opportunities of blacks and people of color. It started out with both of us recognizing that there was indeed racism at work in the past for these people but that things have changed and now there’s scholarships and programs out there for these people so why are they still stuck in poverty? Our white last names had never landed either of us an opportunity or promotion so we couldn’t possibly be privileged as whites…. I remember when Colin Kaepernick began his peaceful kneeling protests and at first I was like, what? Black Lives Matter?? All Lives Matter! I have many family members who are police officers, work in the justice system, in the military, and one who was in Iraq at the time. How dare Kaepernick kneel and disrespect the flag my family members had fought for, including the one fighting in Iraq???!!! I remember going downtown and hearing a homeless person screaming incoherently at people walking by but when I turned to look I was surprised he was white and not black….

You know that scene in Back to the Future II when old Biff smacks his younger self in the back of the head, calling him an idiot and a damn fool? I wish I could go back in time and smack myself, at least a few times. I’m no longer friends with the person who I had the conversation with but there’s still plenty of people in my life who hold similar views and hate discussing politics because…. well reasons, I guess. We’ve all done shit we’re ashamed of or not proud of but looking back, I was absolutely ignorant and part of the systemic racism in this country. I don’t know when exactly I began to realize how fucked up reality is for blacks and people of color in this country but all I had to do was open my eyes and there it was. The events of the past several weeks have been truly eye-opening and shocking. As if the pandemic wasn’t enough, which is killing blacks and minorities at a far higher rate, now there was one more death of a black man at the hands of a white police officer.

I feel hypocritical because I really want to be out there with the protestors but I won’t because I don’t want to risk spreading coronavirus. It sucks that I even have to say this, but I don’t condone the violence or looting. I understand why it’s happening, and mostly it’s actual criminals taking advantage of the situation, but I don’t condone it. I want to be out there making history and remembering all the lives who were lost, whose voices can never again be heard. I want to look back and be proud of myself for having done something that brought change to this country. But Covid-19 is still very much here and I fear how many cases and deaths are going to be caused from these protests. So I figured if I’m willing to allow others to do the protesting for me, then I can speak out where I can, on any platform I can. And one thing I will not do is speak for black people. What we need to do is LISTEN to them. We need change and President tRump wants his outdated, racist GOP and ignorant, racist base to take us back the 50’s where whites rule all and women are back in the kitchen. We will never go back, not as long as we’re willing to fight through the storm.

I’ve said this before and I meant it; this storm will pass. It feels like we’re drowning and “I can’t breathe!” is our reality. But it will pass. The only way we can weather this storm is together but we need to listen to our black communities across this country to do it. Change will be slow, justice most likely won’t be swift, but it will happen. We will make it happen.

Shadows and Light ❤

#BLM

Go With the Flow

Hello My Witchlings,

I hope you’re all doing okay and staying strong. As introverted as I am, even I’m starting to go a little stir crazy. Like everyone else (at least those who are taking this Covid-19 seriously) we haven’t seen our friends or family in months and have been staying home. We’ve cut back our grocery runs to once a week and any restaurant we go to is just to pick up our order as quickly and safely as possible. So really, we haven’t left the house for anything (not even Pokemon Go!) and it’s finally starting to get to me. As much as it sucks not being able to hang out with anybody, it really sucks that we haven’t been able to go to the beach and we’re not planning to any time soon. I hate to even complain since people around the world are seriously struggling and even losing their jobs or loved ones to this damn virus. I have to remind myself to be damn grateful that my husband is an essential worker and that we’re able to pay our bills and maintain our health.

We used to go to the coast as often as possible, usually once a month for a day trip, but ever since last summer, our trips were becoming further and further apart. We were planning to go for my birthday back in early March but I cancelled due to the virus and I’m glad I did. Then we were planning on going to the Bahamas this fall for our 10 year anniversary but now that’s off the table. Again, I know I shouldn’t be complaining so instead of being bummed out about it, I decided to bring the ocean to me. To do this, I’ve been eating as mush seafood and seaweed snacks as possible. Thank the Goddesses I stocked up on seawater whenever we did go to the beach because now I get to use it in my baths and spellwork. I’ve been listening to ocean music or waves pretty much every day since quarantine started. I even have perfume that smells like the ocean. Though none of this compares to the real thing, it’s a lot better than nothing.

I’ve also been on a real mermaid kick but this one kind of snuck up on me. As a Pisces I think it’s safe to say I’ve always wanted to be a mermaid since I was kid, despite the fact that I’m not the strongest swimmer. I have a healthy respect for the ocean so I refuse to enter water where I can’t see my surroundings. Everyone assumes the California coast is tropical and warm like Florida, but the Central coast is definitely not. It’s cold, windy, and the water is usually in the 50’s with very low visibility. My dreams of being a mermaid slowly faded away over the years but these last few months has really brought up all these old yearnings again. I’ve even watched Youtube videos of “real” mermaids and how they learned to swim with latex fins and hold their breaths for inhuman lengths of time. I’ve also started to binge the show Siren, which is actually really well-written despite some of the cheesy acting.

Spiritually, I’ve come to realize that the Mermaid is a spirit guide of mine. Very recently I’ve been getting not-so-subtle nudges from my Goddesses to reconnect with my intuition and to allow myself to be guided by it. After doing some witchy work, I realized I was being asked to follow the Mermaid. She represents the High Priestess perfectly for me, the Tarot card for following your intuition, getting in touch with the Divine, mysteries, secrets, and occult knowledge. It makes perfect sense, at least to me. The Mermaid, just like the High Priestess, embraces her sexuality, moves between worlds, and has no fear of the hidden depths. So that’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve been diving down into my own inner depths through Shadow Work and I swear, I really should stop being so surprised by the gems I find down there. I’m working through issues I’ve been aware of but have not had the courage to deal with until now. It was rough at first but once I decided to go with the flow instead of fighting the current, the lessons and inner wisdom have really started coming more easily to me.

I think that’s the lesson I’m working on right now; go with the flow. I can’t control the world around me. I can’t do anything about the coronavirus, I can’t do anything about the ignorant protestors who are placing their “right” to not wear masks or to go get their hair done so they can spread both their ignorance and virus. I can’t do anything about the nearly 100,000 deaths here in the US and many more worldwide. What I can do is to make my choices and ride the waves. Everything in this Universe ebbs and flows and so while it may seem that we’re currently drowning, this storm will pass and the chaos will ebb. It will take time but it will pass.

Again, please stay safe my witchlings and please wear a mask when you’re around others. We’re all in this together and Hope will help us weather this storm.

Shadows and Light ❤

 

 

Are My Goddesses Really Mine?

Hello My Witchlings,

I wanted to offer a little escape for you from the coronavirus for a moment, so here’s a question I asked myself both the night Lilith came to me during an intense, heart-pounding scrying session and the day I recognized Sekhmet and Bast as Goddesses I was meant to work with. When it came to Lilith, I already knew the history of Her as I had learned everything I could during my first foray into witchcraft as a teen. But even though I thought She was the most badass Goddess, She wasn’t mine. Not yet. Fast forward nearly two decades and now I work with three ancient, equally badass Goddesses, all from cultures across the world. Depending on the mythology, Lilith is from Mesopoptamia or Sumeria and of course, Sekhmet and Bast are from Egypt. These are cultures that made me want to be an archaeologist growing up and to this day still fascinate me. Yet these cultures are not mine. As far as I know, I have no Egyptian or Middle Eastern ancestry. I cannot speak the language, I don’t know any customs, and though I try to keep updated on everything going on in these regions, there’s a lot I don’t know. So does this mean I am culturally appropriating my own Goddesses?

Gasp, the politically correct terms that nobody wants to hear or discuss; cultural appropriation. And from what I’ve read online these words seem to be gravely misunderstood. Here’s the dictionary’s definition; “Cultural appropriation: the adoption or co-opting, usually without acknowledgement, of cultural identity markers associated with or originating in minority communities by people or communities with a relatively privileged status.” I’m not sure how this has become so mangled by our society but I guess I really shouldn’t be surprised. I interpret this definition as this; if you didn’t come from —born into or descended from— a certain culture, then using that cultures’ words, symbols, or styles of dress without respect is cultural appropriation. It is not eating food, listening to music, or collecting items from another culture; that is cultural appreciation. Look, just give respect to whatever it is that your wanting to use. If you’re dressing up as a “geisha” or “Indian princess” for Halloween, stop and realize this is not giving respect to those cultures. If you are invited to a wedding or some other cultural celebration and are dressed accordingly, then again, this is cultural appreciation.

Now in a spiritual sense, I can absolutely understand how cultural appropriation gets fuzzy. I did not choose my Goddesses, I can assure you They chose me. But I am not from Their cultures so is it wrong for me to work with Them? This is a valid question and I think we need to look at how our spirituality is affecting these cultures. For example, I believe that due to past injustices (genocide/slavery), that Voodoo and Native American spiritual practices should be closed. Does this mean that no one of different cultures/spiritualities can practice? No, not necessarily. I believe that if you are invited to learn or practice within these spiritualities then yes, that’s fine as long as you’re showing respect. For example, there are terms on the internet like “black” and “white” witchcraft or “smudging” that have become so widespread their original meanings have become distorted. “Black” magic has a negative historical association with it that not only meant evil, Satan-worshipping witches but black or people of color practicing “evil” ancestral magick. So when “white” magick=good and “black” magick=bad, there’s a whole lotta racist history that is attached with those terms. Recently these labels are slowly being replaced with “dark” and “light” which is a step in the right direction though as a gray witch I wish we were free to embrace both. We hear enough of “are you a good witch or a bad witch” as it…. As for “smudging”, many modern witches are told this as a way to physically and spiritually cleanse their space but the reality is that this was a serious and ancient ritual practiced by indigenous cultures, many if not all that have endured extreme injustices. The sage used for smudging is endangered and is being over harvested however, as long as you’re using ethically sourced sage to simply cleanse your home, then this is okay.

So looping back, showing respect to a culture of spiritual beliefs is one thing but what about honoring or worshipping that culture’s deities? Most pagans would argue that ancient pantheons, such as Egyptian or Greek are open to all practitioners since those cultures are no longer around therefore they can’t really be disrespected. On the other hand, the Divine is beyond our human understanding, so if a God or Goddess from another culture should choose to call upon us, who are we do deny Them? Since spirituality is such a personal thing, why should we not work with whomever we want? (Who ever? You would think as a writer I would know correct grammar :/  ) In case you didn’t know already, I have no answer to this question. All I know is that my Goddesses chose me and I work with Them on an almost daily basis. I try to show Them respect by not only treating them as the Divine They are, but by respecting the cultures They originated from. So I guess my answer is this; If you choose to work with a Norse God or a Celtic Goddess, then by all means, go for it, especially when They choose you. But just remember to be respectful and read up Their respective cultures and histories. 

At the end of the day, this is all my opinion. I will never tell you what to think but I will tell you to research any spiritual or witchy practice you wish to follow or incorporate into your life. Anyway, this is all food for thought. Stay safe and healthy my witchlings.

Shadows and Light ❤

 

Just Checking In….

Hello My Witchlings,

I just wanted to pop in and let you know I’m still here. I’m sorry for being gone so long, I really didn’t have any plans to stay away. As always, which seems to be the norm for me, lots of personal/spiritual changes were going on in my life even before this whole damn coronavirus pandemic. I just celebrated my 32nd birthday last week which reminded me to enjoy life’s moments when I can. I wasn’t in another Dark Night of the Soul, but I definitely was in a Transformation period and I was just nearing the end when the pandemic hit. I was getting lots of synchronistic signs telling me that new beginnings and changes were coming, but I had no idea it would be this kind of Change. As an introvert, I can honestly say my day to day life is very much the same since I’m used to being home by myself all day. However, I had just come to the conclusion back in December (of course after years of agonizing over all the possibilities) to look for a part-time job and a few weeks later, hello coronavirus. Just when I felt I had conquered my fear to re-enter the dreaded work-world that had tormented me for so long, now I was being told to stay home and limit my contact with people. Oh, the irony.

Practicing my craft, even if it’s just a daily Tarot reading, has helped tremendously to keep me feeling connected to my witchiness during this chaotic time. After nearly losing my dad to the flu two-and-half years ago, I can’t help but wonder if that was just preparing me for this. Now that he has a comprised immune system, he is susceptible to this damn Covid-19 so I’ve become more diligent in my craft than I’ve ever been. I’m researching both magickal and scientific ways to keep him and my family safe. I’m not so naive to think that my spells alone will keep anyone from getting sick but I do believe they can give us nudges to make better decisions to stay healthy. Common sense goes a long way too, so stuff like hand-washing and going to the hospital if you have a fever will help us all stay safe. Of course, this whole pandemic exposes how screwed up our healthcare really is in this country but I’ll save that political rant for another day. All I can do is is ask my Goddesses for guidance and continue to practice my craft because at the end of the day, we can only take so much Fate into our own hands.

I’ll start posting regularly again, I missed being here. Despite everything that’s happening right now, I truly hope each and everyone of you had a wonderful Yule, Imbolc, Friday the 13th, and have a magickal Ostara and Spring Equinox. Stay safe, stay healthy, and for the love of gods, please don’t hoard toilet paper.

Shadows and Light ❤ 

 

Pumpkins and Death

Hello My Witchlings,

Happy Halloween, All Hallow’s Eve, Samhain, and Witches’ New Year! Today is literally my favorite day of the year and I can feel its magick floating in the air like cobwebs. The weather has FINALLY cooled off and though the leaves haven’t fallen, they’re beginning to turn. Tonight will be so cold we can actually get a fire going in the fireplace. Our pumpkins will be carved and ready to guard our house from any unwanted visitors of the spirit kind. Speaking of pumpkins, the pumpkin spice scent and flavor has taken over my Scentsy, my beer, my food, my candles, and even my perfume. I can’t help it, I fucking love pumpkins!

It’s not just the pumpkins or pumpkin spice, I love everything about Halloween. The costumes, the dark lighting, the scares, the candy, the tombstones, all of it. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a goth, a witch, or both but I appreciate even the darker side of Halloween; the honoring of our ancestors and the celebration of death. In the pagan world Samhain is the night the Veil is thinnest and the dead come to visit us living. While this can bring feelings of loss and grief as these loved ones are no longer with us, it can also be comforting. Though I haven’t “seen” any spirits, I have certainly felt their presence and just knowing they’re here with me brings me peace.

As excited as I am about tonight I want to remember not just my ancestors but all those spirits visiting from and entering the Other Side. Since California is suffering more wildfires again, I want to honor those who have already been claimed by death. While I’m out with family dressed as a witch (clever, I know) I want to keep those who have moved on through the Veil in my heart. Those who have lost their lives to war, famine, violence, natural disasters, or illness. Many who enter the Other Side are sent there by the hands of others and I wish to the Goddesses this wasn’t our reality. All I can ask is that these spirits bring their loved ones peace as my ancestors bring me.

I guess what I’m looking for tonight is that balance between life and death, the Veil itself. The balance between mourning and celebrating those who have died. The balance between grief and peace. The balance between death and rebirth. After the trick-or-treating ends tonight I will take off my witch’s costume and settle into my real Sea-witchiness. I will leave out offerings for my ancestors and decorate their altar with love and respect. I’m working with Lilith tonight so that usually means any spellwork I will be performing involves some deep Shadow Work and journeying further into my own darkness. I have a lovely new scrying obsidian that I hope will allow me even better contact with the Other Side. As I honor my ancestors I will honor the many literal and spiritual cycles of life and death we go through in our lives.

So honor your ancestors and loved ones tonight. Set out food and drinks for them. Be careful when contacting spirits through a Ouija or spirit board and make sure you’re contacting the right ones! Always say “thank you” and “goodbye”. The Death card in Tarot signifies not just literal death but transformation, transition, and being reborn. So while you’re celebrating death tonight, celebrate the transformations and changes in your life. This is the Witches’ New Year after all, so honor and lay to rest this past year and settle into the darkness of the new year. But most of all, stay safe, protect your black cats tonight, and have fun!

Shadows and Light ❤ 

 

 

Fridays and Full Moons

Hello My Witchlings,

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The lovely Maria Brink of In This Moment when we saw her last year in Sacramento. Beautiful singer, beautiful concert.

I am back. Since today is Friday the 13th and tonight is the Full Harvest Moon in Pisces, I couldn’t ignore what a rare and magickal opportunity this was to come back. I’ve always been interested in the history of Friday the 13th and being a witch, I can’t help but love the myths associated with black cats, bad luck, and superstitions. And since I’m a Pisces and the Harvest Moon just happens to be my second favorite full moon, tonight is especially important to me. Throughout this past year I’ve been in this chaotic, confusing cocoon of transformation and tonight’s full moon will finally allow the completion of this metamorphosis. This won’t be the final transformation I’ll ever go through but nonetheless, it is an important one. My new self can finally take a step forward onto the scary and exciting path of the unknown future. For years I’ve been waiting for signs to guide me in the direction I thought I needed to be in but working with my Shadow Self and my Goddesses has shown me I was on the right path all along. I wasn’t meant to get my shit together all at once. I wasn’t meant to learn lessons the first time, that’s why they’ve repeated. I wasn’t meant for material success, at least not yet. I was right where I needed to be, with the people I was supposed to learn from, and the situations I needed to experience. Even the awful experiences, from deaths to toxic friendships to illnesses contained valuable lessons about my own strengths and abilities. This transformation is just another cycle of death and rebirth and with any cycle comes heartaches and revelations.

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R.I.P. Anastasia, aka Ana, aka Ana-bear. We love you and miss you.

Speaking of cycles, last month we lost our beloved red husky Anastasia. Our beautiful fur baby would’ve been 11 years old at the end of September. Her health had been deteriorating and on one panicked night to the Pet ER, we learned she had advanced cancer and made the only choice we could. I’ve had many pets over the years and I’ve experienced all of their deaths but I’ve never had to make the decision to put any of them to sleep. It was heart-wrenching and it hit my husband even harder since he’s still grieving his grandmother’s passing. Our other fur baby, Bandit, a Malamute-wolfdog, was also heartbroken and has been mourning Ana in his own way. Despite the deaths and grief, I understand that death is just a part of life. I can’t stop thinking about this cycle, especially since we’re nearing Halloween, an entire holiday/sabbat dedicated to the very concept. With death comes life and we are meant to honor our dead while being grateful for the time we had with them and those who are still living. As much as I miss my Ana-bear and Grandma, I am so grateful for having them in my life. I am grateful for the transformations, for the many cycles of births, deaths, and rebirths I have experienced and will experience.

Today, I wish you nothing but the best of luck. Tonight, I wish that the Full Moon will allow your intentions to manifest and whatever it is you’ve been trying to transform, finally happens for you.

Shadows and Light ❤

PS

Out of respect for my husband’s family, I won’t post a pic of his grandmother or say anything about her personal life but know that she is and always will be deeply loved and missed.

 

 

 

 

Revelations

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Hello My Witchlings,

At last, I am back. Over the last several months I was going through some major changes and just when I thought it couldn’t get any harder, my husband’s grandmother passed away. She and my husband had a very close bond so this has been a particularly hard time for him. I was close enough with her to call her “grandma” and she treated me as one of her own many grandchildren. Everything I had been going through seemed unimportant and I put my spiritual lessons on the back burner to be supportive. But life goes on and even though I’m still grieving, I finally feel strong enough to return to my Shadow work. This dark journey of self-discovery has led to some incredible revelations. They’ve been difficult to learn, harder to understand, but ultimately they’ve made me realize where I’m headed in life and where I want to end up.

These revelations have come to me through very deep Shadow work, long nights of research, meditation, and Tarot readings with my Goddesses. They did not come to me easily and there are a few I’m still working through. I guess that’s why they call witchcraft and spirituality “practices” because our learning is never over. Just when I thought I had it all figured out, the veil was torn off and it was like looking at the real world for the first time. Some of these revelations are about my own life and my own journey. Some are about my relationships and the journey of others. Some are spiritual. Some are simply me accepting myself and this world. In no particular order, here are these revelations.

  1. The concept of Masculine and Feminine is a bullshit patriarchal social construct. The qualities assigned to each are just ways to keep people in line and follow gender roles. Why should “feminine” qualities be passive, submissive, nurturing, and gentle when “masculine” qualities are active, strong, decisive, and ambitious? I also think the concept of Divine Masculine and Feminine is very problematic but there will be an upcoming post to address that as well. I do not need to balance my inner “masculine” and “feminine”; I am a woman who embodies all of the qualities and energies of being human.
  2. I need to deepen my connection with all three of my Goddesses but I don’t need to burn myself out doing so. Lately I’ve been finding it difficult to try and meditate or connect with all three –Lilith, Sekhmet, and Bast–  every day. It’s draining and I feel guilty if I don’t have time to give to each. So what I’ve been doing instead is asking Them through my pendulum in the morning who I need to be connecting with that day. Surprisingly, I’ve only been needing to work with one or two at the most. They seem to recognize my energy levels that day and how much I can give. For now, this seems to be the way I can get to know Them better without feeling obligated.
  3. Coming (partially) out of the broom closet was easier than I expected. I’m almost completely out to those who I want to know. There are plenty of family members, acquaintances, and friends of friends I know I can never be fully out to but I’ve made my peace with that. Having my husband’s complete support of my witchcraft has been a tremendous gift and quite frankly, I don’t really care if anyone else who knows me supports it or not. Maybe there will be a day where I can shout if from the rooftops, but it doesn’t have to be this day.
  4. My procrastination on writing my book is going to change. It will be hard, it will be boring, it will be annoying, but ultimately, it will be satisfying. I’ve learned to not wait for “motivation” or “inspiration” because as any artist can tell you, the muses are fickle, inconsistent, and fleeting. The secret is discipline. This means writing when I don’t feel like it and not caring whether the stuff I write is good, just as long as I’m writing.
  5. I’m not making excuses for people any more. No more “oh it’s just how they are”. There have been way too many relationships in life complicated by “you know so-and-so, they’re just like that”. This is bullshit and I’m not standing for it anymore. If the people around me are rude, obnoxious, mentally draining, passive aggressive, or taking advantage of me, I’m going to simply walk away. I know everyone has bad days and has their own shit to deal with but the problem I’ve run into is when these “bad days” are every day. When they’re always in a bad mood, when they’re constantly being passive-aggressive, when they keep asking me for favors that are never returned. Those relation-ships have sailed. Peace out.
  6. Though politics are very important to me, I don’t want to be a “woke” social justice warrior. No one is ever “woke” all the time. We learn, our opinions change, we discuss issues, and we ask the hard questions. There are few things I will not change my mind on, such as women’s rights and their right to choose, ending poverty, tackling the threat of global warming, and choosing leaders who actually want to change the world for the better. I recently got into a discussion that was socially controversial with someone who I always thought was very open-minded when it came to debates but it quickly turned into an argument after I disagreed with them. They tried to shut me down even though I was being respectful, trying to keep calm (though I admit my blood was pounding), and just asking questions. After I ended this “discussion”, I took a long hard look at this person and their beliefs vs my own. They were being completely dismissive and condescending while I was being fully transparent and admitting I didn’t have all the facts, just what I had researched. This taught me that the whole “liberal sjw” is perhaps not the best stereotype and I could see how it comes off as rude or annoying. I won’t stop talking about politics or forming my opinions, but I don’t have to be a pretentious prick when discussing it with others. Unless you still support Trump, then to be honest, I will be a prick.
  7. I need to stop being so damn harsh on myself and accept who I really am. When I turned twenty-five I went through what is now known as a “quarter-life crisis”. Even though I was happily married, owned my own home, had….. some job, I can’t remember which, I still felt like a complete failure. I didn’t have a college degree, I didn’t have a career, and I wasn’t as “successful” as everyone else. Yes, I know, I know, “don’t compare yourself to everyone else and you’ll be happy”. That is so much easier said than done. If twenty-five year old me knew where she’d be at thirty-one, she would’ve had waaaay much more anxiety and depression. The funny thing is I love my current life even though I “shouldn’t” because I’m not anywhere near being “successful”. I haven’t worked in four years. I tried to go back to school…. and promptly dropped out. Again. I still don’t have a career. My home and car are not the newest or latest. But I’m happy. Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard most days to shake the guilt from being “just” a housewife and not bringing in any income but in my bones I know this is a turning point. When it came to creating art, I had a work ethic that rivaled my incredible husband’s and I just need to find that fire again. The only control I have in this life are my choices, so I choose to find my own version of success, whatever it may be.

Sorry for rambling, I’ve just been thinking about these a lot. These revelations may seem easy enough to understand but I’ve had to break down my past self and dig through layers of self-doubt, childhood and family issues, and old pain to find the real me. I’ll still keep digging and I’m sure I’ll discover even more. For now, this is me. I am an eclectic Sea Witch. I’ve learned I am a radical feminist. I know stating this is pretty incendiary and I could lose followers but I want to be honest. I am a stay-at-home housewife. I am a writer. I’ve accepted I cannot change this world but since I am apart of it, I will do what I can. And that will have to be enough. Because I am enough.

#IamEnough

*Check out Jared Padalecki’s campaign, it’s pretty inspiring.

Shadows and Light ❤

Still Alive….

Hello My Witchlings,

I apologize for the absence. I had no intention on taking so much time off from blogging. The last several months have been really intense and a lot has been happening. I’ve been going through a lot of personal changes and then there was a death in my husband’s family. Going from intense Shadow Work to grieving to being there for my husband was a little rough and I guess I needed time to gather myself before I could come back. Well, I’m back and will be posting soon. Thanks for sticking around 🙂

 

Shadows and Light ❤

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